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Counseling
I have reluctantly concluded that I don't work to save marriages, but I applaud, affirm, and appreciate those who do. Counseling allows you and your spouse can confront the issues that threaten your marriage in safe setting. You could check out a therapist in Minnesota who offers counseling by telephone. He offers the first session free, and after that he charges $45 for a 45 minute session. His site is called Marriage Builders, and it advertises that it has more than 100 pages of information about what you can do to save your marriage. Here's a site called eTherapistsOnline.com that offers online assistance at prices that seem reasonable. Here's a link to Ask the Internet Therapist. Both sites allow you to sign up and pay for an appointment online. Here's a site called www.find-a-therapist.com They offer a nationwide network of counselors by location, showing their address, telephone number, and focus areas. Perhaps the best way to find out more about the process, though, might be to read the FAQ's about Marriage and Family Therapy on the web site of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. There's a great deal of confusion about the professional qualifications of counselors and therapists. Briefly, here's how it breaks down:
If you're serious about saving your marriage, my hope is that both of you will make two solid commitments as you enter counseling:
This may seem threatening to the spouse who wants to leave. He or she may accept it, however, precisely because it ends at a date certain. Why is it important to commit to many sessions in advance? Often, the survival of a marriage will depend on (to use a business buzzword) "re-engineering" the marriage. In other words, the two of you may need to learn a whole new way of relating to each other. In many cases, this will involve some of the very same pain involved in divorce. One of you may be tempted to withdraw because of the pain just when you're beginning to make progress. The multi-session commitment may get you over the hump and may make the difference in the success of your counseling work. After Pete and Marikka had been in counseling for several sessions, Marikka believed they were making progress in addressing her rigid moralism and Pete's tendency to let his work responsibilities crowd out time with her. Pete disagreed. He thought it was a waste of time. He stopped going and started planning for divorce. Marikka asked Pete to have one last conversation with the therapist, though, before he took any more steps toward divorce. The therapist talked frankly with Pete and Marikka about where the challenges they faced and the options available to them. The therapist also pointed out to Pete that if he divorced, he should understand thoroughly why his first marriage failed, so he could make sure he didn't make the same mistake again. Pete decided to give it another try. I'm delighted to tell you that the last I heard, Pete and Marikka were still together and still in counseling. What do you do if you want to go to counseling and your spouse won't go? There's a separate page here about what to do When Your Spouse Won't Go To Counseling. In particular, counselors and therapists differ in their orientation toward the survival of your marriage. Some will work to preserve your marriage at all costs, acting out of their religious, moral, or personal beliefs. Others will be much more neutral, working with you to explore your own desires, doubts, and feelings and decide for yourselves whether you want to stay married. It's not fair to say that one method is better than another, but it is fair to say that one approach may be more suited than another for you and your spouse. |
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